Where am I?

Hi!!!  I’m still here…I’ve just been a bit preoccupied lately.  That, and the fact that I’m still sick.  Yes, I know.  It’s getting old.  Just when I thought I was getting better, I decided to go for a walk with a friend.  I huffed up hills I’m normally fine with.  I struggled along stretches of road and finally almost collapsed when I reached our front steps.  The next day I woke up with another razor blade throat and aching body.  I’d laugh, if I knew it wouldn’t start a coughing fit.

And I’ve been a bit preoccupied because I’ve allowed myself to dabble in the thought of starting my own business.  Even typing it makes my stomach clench in anxiety.  When I first thought about it, I was excited.  Full of confidence.  Full of verve!  “Before I roll over and DIE and take an admin role I could do with my eyes shut, I want to try something I REALLY want to do” I have been proclaiming to anyone who’ll listen.

And then I sat down and did some serious thinking, which involved visiting the Queensland government’s business.qld.gov.au website.  This site has a plethora of information that I am so thankful for!   I decided to take their business readiness quiz and was shallow-breathing with anxiety by the end of it.  There was so much I hadn’t considered.  So many things I just didn’t know.  I closed the laptop, secure in the knowledge that I would NOT be starting my own business.

As a Stay at Home Mum, I struggle with self-confidence when I think about returning to work.  Despite having a background in admin, recruitment and marketing, I still feel as though I’m unable to return to the workforce in any other capacity other than admin.  And can I say, that I am proud of my admin skills.  Very proud indeed, but I feel I know that area, and I really want to work on my experience in other areas – those being social media.  I want to do it part-time and I want to offer my services to local small businesses.  I would be managing their social media presence and would only want a handful of clients to begin with, so I can manage my time at home as well as at work effectively.

A friend I admire said to me recently, “the only problem you’ve ever had is you”.  “You always worry whether you’re doing things right, even when you’re being Mother of the Year”.  She knows I constantly doubt myself, despite the fact that I’m a smart and good person (that was so hard to type).  So currently I’m struggling with thoughts like “do I REALLY have the nous to start my own business?”, and “maybe you should just get a data entry role somewhere – you’d rock at that”…or is this my inner-voice laced with self-doubt talking?  A year ago I didn't have the courage to start a blog.  But with some fantastic compliments from friends, a little encouragement from others and a huge leap of faith on my part, Dilettante Diva was born.  I'm glad.  I'm so glad I took that leap of faith.

I've decided to proceed tentatively with my idea, and now I find myself thinking strategically.  Where am I?  Where have I been?  And, more importantly where do I want to be?

I know where I want to be.  Now I just need the guts to get there…

Mirror, Mirror

So today’s Photo a Day challenge word is “Mirror”.  And I chose the photo above of me and the Polynesian Princess.  Let me explain.

Growing up I never thought I would have kids.  Ever.  I had my reasons, all of them supremely personal and some to do with feeling insecure and lacking confidence in successfully raising another human being.  Like everybody, I’m not perfect and I tended to focus on my shortcomings.

But have kids we did, and the day came when the hospital let us take this precious bundle home to raise, love and nurture.  Eeek!!

The first couple of years passed in a blur and she was (mostly) a delight.  Such a gorgeous, happy baby who was so good that we figured, what the hell, let’s do this again!

The ‘mirroring’ probably started happening around the time she was two (possibly even a little earlier).  She was at daycare one day, bossing some of the little kids around.  She pointed her finger in their faces whilst issuing directives in a stern tone.  I sat, wondering where she got that behaviour from, when I saw her throw sand at someone.  I called out to her, pointed my finger in her face and sternly said “we don’t throw sand, that’s not nice”.  And Boom!  There it was.  She was me.  And I didn’t like it.

Three years later, the ‘mirroring’ is at times hilariously funny and embarrassingly uncomfortable.  Recently, she started frantically tidying up the living room and declaring “we need to clean up all of this CRAP!” and I winced.  Not only am I passing on my language, but I’m also passing on my OCD of tidying up.

It’s one thing knowing what you don’t like about yourself.  It’s another thing having it mirrored back to you, and knowing that this is what your children see.  The part of you that you wish you could bury or change, is the part that seems to stand out to them!

It’s not all bad though.  She does tend to copy a lot of my good points, and those are the times when I think good things about myself.   But even when I hear or see the bad ‘mirroring’, I try to cut myself a break.  We're all just doing the best we can, and if bossing people around and a slight OCD is as bad as it's going to get, then I think I'm doing okay.

xx

Sew what?

There are a lot of things that I don’t know or understand.  Some of these things I just thought I would “get” as I got older.   Cricket (the rules, the whole point of it),  gardening (can’t you just stick it in the ground and watch it grow? Do you HAVE to water it all the time? And what do you mean you have to re-plant?!), cooking without a recipe (can’t do it but then I never claimed to be a Masterchef), and sewing.

In Grade Eight Home Economics we had to sew a pair of shorts, and a library bag.  I got a fail for both of them.  Both.  When I told my Home Ec teacher I didn’t choose Home Ec for the following year, she said “that’s probably a good thing”.  Ouch!  Bitch.

I don’t sew.  I can’t sew and I don’t know if I ever will sew.  My Mother sewed.  She made me lots of cute outfits as a child, and as I went through school, she would make my costumes for school plays and the like.  She could also knit which is something else I don’t know how to do.  I once made a macramé keyring.  Does that count for something?

As I grew older, I only needed sewing skills when my hems would fall.  My ‘sewing’ consisted of a stapler.  No needle and thread required!  And this has happily been my way of fixing all things in the clothing department.  If it gets too hard, I send it off to the local thrift shop.

But now I have a child in school.  And that involves uniforms.  And she, you know, grows!  So the hems on her uniform are quickly getting higher and higher. Not even considering to attempt it myself, I took it to our local dry-cleaning service which also provides alterations.  I asked for a quote, and she quoted me $30.  Thirty dollars!  To HEM a kids uniform?  I marched straight across the road to Woolworths and bought a needle and thread.  And tonight I will attempt to hem for the first time.  I guess I should have bought a quick unpick (that’s what it’s called, isn’t it?), as I foresee a lot of effing and blinding in my future.

Who knows - this might ignite a hidden talent within!  And perhaps I will become one of those parents that can 'run up' (that's the right term isn't it?) a costume in the blink of an eye.  Instead of being one of those parents rummaging through the dress-up box wondering how I can come up with something to match the specific criteria.  Sigh.  Never mind - I imagine my latent creative skills will be put to the test many, many times in the future.

And sew what?  Bring it - I'm ready.

Over half-way

I am now on Day 17 of the 28 day scream-free parenting challenge.  So far, so good I guess.  I mean, in the past two days I have officially lost my shit at least four times with the kids, but I’m not counting them as failures.  In fact, lately when I lose my temper, I’m faster to let go of it.   Prior to the challenge, if I lost my temper, I would tend to ruminate about it, think about how other people I know would probably have handled it a lot better, and brand myself as a hopeless Mum.  But not anymore.  Now I just remind myself that I’m only human, and that at the very least I’m aware of it, and I’m trying.

Each morning I wake up to my email from Jackie Hall (Self-Help for Mums) and I take the time to read it and then apply it to my day.  It’s not that hard.  Jackie has taken the big picture, stripped it down to bite-size, digestible pieces and is spoon-feeding it to us slowly each day over this 28-day period.  Some of it seems repetitious (by Jackie’s own admission), but I believe that’s because the basic premise of this whole challenge is that all of the stress and anger culminates from the conflict we have between our belief (of what should be happening) and the reality of what is happening.  Oh sister…ain’t that the truth.

The best tips I have received so far are: 

• we should recognise that stress is caused by the conflict between belief and reality;
• we need to deal with the reality of what’s happening – don’t catastrophise everything;
• to detach your self-worth from their behaviour – they’re not trying to undermine you, they’re not trying to demean you; and
• to look at the bigger picture – Jackie provided us with an ‘expansion exercise’ which truly helped me to realise how small the problems really are (it worked for me yesterday).

I feel a touch of Buddhism running through Jackie’s emails and I like it.  Buddhism for Mothers by Sarah Napthali would have to be one of my favourite books.  I discovered it in the first year of Polynesian Princess’s life and read it a couple of times over the course of that year.

So in between me writing the above paragraph and this paragraph, I have just screamed at the kids and sat back down to finish this off.  Apt.

My heart is racing, my head is pounding and I am trying, desperately to look at the bigger picture, to remain mindful and to understand they’re not trying to piss me off – they’re just being kids.

Breathing in……

And out….

Right.  Where was I?  That's right - with 11 days to go I’m looking forward to receiving more tips and advice from Jackie Hall.  I’m keeping all the emails in a folder and they’ve been great to read back on whenever I get a chance through the day.

So I'm getting there.  Baby steps, people.  Baby steps.

Are you doing the challenge?  Are you finding it helpful?

Go the F*ck to Sleep

Day three of the 28 day scream-free parenting challenge.  It’s 12:50pm and I’ve failed today.  Failed yesterday too.  Both days have been because of Little Warrior’s day-time sleep.  He’s fought both of them.  And anyone out there who’s saying that he must be dropping his sleep can wash their mouths out with soap.

You see, I’m a classic case of belief versus reality.  My belief is that Little Warrior should drift quietly off to sleep at exactly midday, everyday, and sleep for two hours.  Everyday.  Without fail, if you don’t mind little man.  And any deviation (I mean ANY) sends me straight to Shitsville (do not pass Go, do not collect $200).  I understand that this is unrealistic, unfair and ridiculous.  Not to mention the fact that I'm basically setting him up for failure. Because who does the same thing, at the same time, for the same amount of time everyday?  Nobody!  And yet, this is my perception of what should be happening for Little Warrior.  Hey, I never said I liked it, I'm just being honest and telling you how it is.

I tried to do as Jackie Hall recommended.  Just like on Day one, I tried to change the way I look at the situation and simply view it as an opportunity for Little Warrior to learn that he can’t get what he wants.  Yes.  You can have some strawberries, but only when you wake up.  No.  You can’t have them in bed with you.   But today I just didn’t stick with it.  Today I just yelled at him to go to sleep (if you’re wondering, I didn’t swear at him), slammed the door and pretended to ignore the sound of him repeatedly hitting the door with both his hands.  Ace.  Way to go Mum.

It’s going to be a long 28 days.

Trying to re-learn old habits and old ways of thinking is going to be an uphill battle.  Primarily because you don’t even realise you’re doing it.  So actually catching yourself doing it, then consciously adjusting the view before reacting is going to take me a while.  But I’m working on it.

And in the meantime, I can enjoy the peace and quiet.  Now that he’s gone the f*ck to sleep ;)

Are you doing the challenge?  How are you going?

First day scream-free

A week ago I wrote this entry in my blog.  I was down and really feeling low about my parenting.  So I was very excited yesterday because I received my first email from Jackie Hall via the Essential Baby 28 Day Scream-free parenting challenge.  It was like somebody switched on a light for me.  Sometimes you think you know what to do, and when somebody actually gives you advice, you think “well now THAT makes perfect sense!”

Yesterday’s email discussed how stress is a conflict between belief and reality.  Stress occurs when what you believe should be happening, isn’t.  And for me that happens on a regular basis.  I tend to create unrealistic goals.  Someone in my past once called me a high achiever.  And I guess that could be true.  I certainly have high expectations.  Very high.  And when you’re a five year old or a two year old – well, you just aren’t going to cut the mustard.

The email went on to discuss how we could eliminate the stress by changing how we view challenging situations.  By doing this we would remove the gaping hole between belief and reality.

An example was:

Parent A may perceive a tantrum from their toddler as learning behaviour and their child is simply learning how to behave in the world and realise that they can't get what they want.

Parent B may be perceiving how embarrassing it is, that they shouldn't be behaving that way, how much they've had enough of this behaviour, how much this behaviour is effecting their life and their bond and on and on in that direction.

Which parent do you think is feeling more stress?

I may as well be walking around with a t-shirt emblazoned with PARENT B on it.  That is me.  To a T.  Sorry, the pun was intended.  So I read my email yesterday – took it on board, ruminated on it and then put it into practise.

Little Warrior was in daycare yesterday but that didn’t stop him from throwing two gargantuan tantrums in the space of two hours once he got home (seriously – he nearly ripped the handle off our fridge).  I did what the email suggested.  I looked at his tantrum as a learning behaviour and thought ‘he’s simply learning that he can’t get what he wants.’  And do you know what?  I didn’t get cranky!  I didn’t get annoyed!  I wasn’t thinking “F*ck my life”, I wasn’t desperately wondering what to do next, nothing!  Something as simple as merely changing the way I look at the situation was miraculous.  I couldn’t believe it.  And I have to say, I was a little proud of myself.

So big ups to me.  Big ups to Jackie Hall and big ups to Essential Baby.

Teamwork!

xx

I want to be better

Mostly I can coast along quite nicely thinking I’m doing an okay job at being a Mum.  But some days, like today, I think I suck at it.

I wish I could be better.  I wish I could be more like a friend of mine, let’s call her Serenity.  She is calm, patient, doesn’t use the word ‘no’ all the time and generally is serenity incarnate.  Today, that was not me.  In fact, on most days ‘serene’ isn’t a word I would use to describe myself.

I have been known to yell, be sarcastic, slam doors and be as childish as my two year old.  But I’m trying.  I know that’s got to count.  It has to… otherwise I am doomed to suck at this.

I have signed up for Essential Baby’s 28 day scream-free parenting challenge which begins on Monday, 18 June.  I pray with the tools I use from this challenge coupled with external reading as well as mindfulness, I will be a step closer to being the parent I want to be.  And maybe if I’m brave enough, I’ll blog about my journey.

xx

Everyday is a blessing

I thought I was having a bad day.  Nothing seemed to be going right.  The kids had been fighting from the moment they woke up and now I had just discovered that we had an ant infestation in our pantry.  They. Were. Everywhere.  I just wanted to scream.  Or run away and hide.

And then I remembered.

I remembered the fire in Qatar that had occurred only the day before and I felt shamed.  I wasn’t having a bad day.  Next to the children and the carers who died in the fire on Monday, I was fortunate.  Fortunate to be alive.  Fortunate to be able to hear my children fighting.  Fortunate to still be here to deal with these ants.  Fortunate to be hosting my own damn pity party.  It grounded me and reminded me that everyday is a blessing.

Tonight we had dinner with friends, and as I sat at that table and enjoyed a lovely meal and fun company, I found myself thinking of how fortunate we are.  Yes, life is hectic at times.  Yes, things are a little tight and yes, raising children does have its challenges, but we are all here.  We still get to be together.

There’s too many bad things that can happen.  So many bad stories in the world that make you hold your loved ones closer.  All these things make me more mindful and aware of what I have and how much it’s worth.

When we got home, Polynesian Princess begged me to let her sleep in our bed.  My knee-jerk reaction was “no”.  She came back with “why not?” and I had no answer.  I thought about the parents of the children lost in Monday’s fire; of how they would give anything to have them back.  How they would love to lie in bed and cuddle their children while they slept.  Just like PP was begging me to do tonight. 

I relented.  Of course I did.  I had no good reason to say no, and quite apart from the fact that the kids love being in bed with us, I love it too.  I don’t love it when Little Warrior kicks us in the head/back/kidneys or face, but the other stuff – the hugs, kisses, sleeping face to face – I love all of that.  I adore it.  So why not say yes while they’re still asking?  Why not, indeed?

So I urge you to embrace the day and accept it as a gift.  Everyday is a blessing.

Namaste

xx

Muuuuuuuuuuuum!

I couldn’t believe I was doing this.  And yet I still did.

Polynesian Princess and Little Warrior were in her room when the fighting started.  Then they started yelling out “Muuuuuuum!”, “Muuuuuuum!”.  I think I actually groaned.  Yet another little fight – probably the eleventy millionth one for the morning and it wasn’t even 7:30am.

The yelling continued.  “Muuuuuuuuuuuuum!”,  “Muuuuuuuuuuuuuum!”

Sing-song little voices rising at the beginning and ending somewhere mid-range.  More volume at the top, less volume at the bottom.

Repeat ad nauseum.

Second verse, same as the first.

And where was I?  Well I was on the throne!  I was ‘otherwise occupied’.  I was on the toilet for crying out loud!

And I thought “I’m not going to answer, maybe they’ll sort it out themselves”.  Stop laughing, I seriously thought that.

But as time ticked by, the yelling continued, and they wandered all over the house, into different rooms “Muuuuuuuuum”,  “Muuuuum”…

Sigh.

I remember when I was young, my Mum used to threaten to change her name because she got so sick of the sound of it.  Naturally, as a child you don’t understand that sentiment, but now I do.  Now, sitting on the toilet, and not answering my children, I got it.

Eventually they found me.  Well, you would expect that right?  I mean our house isn’t that big and I was literally a sitting duck.  Eventually that toilet door swung open and the two of them stood there, facing me, in all my glory.

PP: What are you doing?

Me: I’m on the toilet

PP: Well he got into my lip gloss and he even put it all over my chair!

Me: Yep

PP: And I can smell it all over him, Mum!

Me: Yep

Neither of them knew what to make of me at the moment, so they left me.  In peace.

On my throne.

Ahhhhhh.....THAT'S better :)

Free images from FreeDigitalPhotos.net

A note of thanks

This is just a quick post.  I started blogging mid-way through last year on Tumblr and moved to Google Blogger in December last year.  The decision to start blogging seemed to happen quite naturally.  Organically.  The timing felt right and I thought I was ready to send my thoughts out into the ether and see what the blogosphere holds for me.

Whenever I check my stats, I always get a kick out of seeing where people are who are reading my posts.  Malaysia, Latvia, Mexico, Canada, Russia - you all make me smile.  Germany - is that you Uncle Richard?  Or Damien?  United States, New Zealand and of course Australia.

So Danke Schon, Gracias, Paldies, Terima Kasih, Spasibo, Ta very much.

Thank-you to everyone for your support.  And thanks to the people who can figure out how to follow me.  It's been wonderful seeing that people are interested in what I have to say.  For anyone, and especially for me, a Stay at Home Mum, it's nice to feel like I have a voice.  Just the fact you're reading, makes me happy.

xx

PS I promise tonight is the last time I muck around with the 'look' of my blog.


Free images from FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Harden up!

So it was my DD’s last day at kindy yesterday and you could have been forgiven for thinking that it was my last day on God’s green earth.  I felt so sad for the end of such a wonderful year, but anybody who knows me, knows I tend to grieve for the end of anything.  Even a book.  I get this sense of ‘loss’ that seems to envelop me and that I can’t tend to shake.

Yesterday was yet another example.  I tried a few times to thank my daughter’s fantastic C&K teachers for doing such a wonderful job throughout the year, and yet I couldn’t get past the initial smile.  The mere thought of saying thank-you and what I wanted to say, was enough to produce a lump in my throat so big that I had to just walk away each time.  Pathetic.  I mean, REALLY?!  What the hell am I going to do when she finishes primary school?  Or high school?  Or uni?!  Let’s all hope that I get over it by then and harden up.

The honeymoon is over.

I think it’s time.  The honeymoon is over.  My love affair of being a Stay at Home Mum is starting to wane.

For almost two years I have been in bliss, living the dream I never knew I wanted.  Looking after my two little munchkins and making sure the house runs smoothly.  For almost two years I fed and bathed these two in time for my hubby to arrive home from work.  Dinner would be minutes away from being on the table and I would marvel at how quickly my life had become a 1950s sitcom (sans the canned laughter).  For almost two years I did not think about work.

But recently the seed was planted, and maybe this was the reason, or it was just a natural occurrence, but my patience has been wafer thin.  I have been on. the. edge.

Suddenly, I can’t wait to get back to work and find my identity again.  I know, I know. I shouldn’t define myself by my job, but I can’t help it.  For most of my professional life, I defined myself in this way.  It has been a lovely break, being a Stay at Home Mum.  I have loved it.  But I feel all of us growing out of this stage of our lives.  My eldest is off to school next year and my youngest will be entering the child care system.

We will still have a majority of the week together, as I will only be working part-time.  But for now at least, the honeymoon is over.

Saying it out loud

“I’ve got news!” my friend said, when I arrived for a playdate today.  Instantly, I thought’she’s pregnant’, but I was wrong.  ”I’m going back to work full-time! and it’s paying ${insert an amount you think is good}”!  My reaction to this news is what I have found interesting, and quite exciting, and to be honest, a little bit frightening.

I thought that I would get envious when friends told me they were pregnant with their third baby.  But when that did occur, I felt nothing.  Well, I’ll be honest.  I felt sorry for them, but that’s another blog for another day.  I expected to feel a touch of envy, a twinge of regret (we have decided to stop at two children) and possibly a feeling of melancholy.  But no! It wasn’t to be!  The announcement causing me to feel all of the above, was indeed, the announcement of a full-time job with a decent pay packet accompanying it.  I am so happy for my friend, and I am extremely proud of her.  I long to feel the satisfaction of a job well done, being good at that job, and being paid accordingly.

I’ve been home with my two kids for almost two years.  Recently, we had decided that I would stay home another  year and return to work when DD is six and DS is three.  When we decided this, I heard a faint whisper in my soul saying “what are you doing? you want to go back to work” but I couldn’t vocalise it.  Wouldn’t vocalise it.  Until today.  Until my friend announced her new role.  Then it all came tumbling out.  In an instant, I felt excited, elated, scared, worried.

Excited because it means a new beginning, and elated because I look forward to finding a niche somewhere.  Scared, because I don’t know what I want to do, and worried because I may fail.

But I have to remain positive.  I have to believe that I am capable of achieving whatever it is I seek.  What do I seek?  The answer used to be fuzzy, and unclear.  But as the year progresses, it’s getting clearer and clearer.