What I should be doing, what I've been doing and what I miss...

Right now I should be reading my book club book.  This book is enormous, and we’re meeting in five days.  I’m sure when Barbara Kingsolver wrote La Lacuna, she didn’t intend to have someone feverishly flicking through it in three days in order to meet a deadline.  I have 472 pages to go, which, if you’re as anal as I am, works out to be approx 157.7 pages per day.

So that’s what I should be doing.  What I am doing is venting.  Sharing.  Purging.  Expunging.  It’s been too long between blogs and I have missed it.  I’ve been busy working on my Hardcastle Social Media business and vaccilating between exhiliration and terror in equal parts. 

I continue to get immense (I repeat: immense) support from The Architect.  Some nights, when the demons come, and I am flooded with self-doubt, he’s there to prop me up and remind me why I’m bound to succeed.  It’s endless, the support he gives me.  And it’s endless, the gratitude I feel.

I’ve been making progress in my business, in that I’ve been successful in procuring a few clients and I can’t tell you how much I’m enjoying this journey.  Yes,  I have my moments of self-doubt, but I know that I’m exactly where I should be, doing exactly what I should be doing.   I just wish I could be doing it with an IT Support person.  Oh how I miss having IT support...

In my previous life, working in a recruitment company, we had IT support on tap.  I knew the IT phone number off by heart and would happily swing about in my chair while they remotely accessed my computer and fixed whatever ailments I was suffering at the time.  Not so when you work from home alone.  When you’re the sole employee, YOU are the IT Support.  And if you’re as clueless as I am, then you can say hello to the emotions of anger and frustration as they march on into your day and make themselves at home, swinging about in their chairs.

Oh grrrrr!!  Grrrrr to the disappearing emails.  Grrrrr to the printer constantly pausing itself .  Grrrrr to my webhost’s server being down or overloaded.  Grrrrr to it all!  But in my usual fashion of trying to turn things around and look at it in a positive light, I welcome the opportunity to practise my patience.  Over and over again.  Breathe it all in and love it all out...

I should probably get started on my allotted 94 pages reading for today.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda.

Where am I?

Hi!!!  I’m still here…I’ve just been a bit preoccupied lately.  That, and the fact that I’m still sick.  Yes, I know.  It’s getting old.  Just when I thought I was getting better, I decided to go for a walk with a friend.  I huffed up hills I’m normally fine with.  I struggled along stretches of road and finally almost collapsed when I reached our front steps.  The next day I woke up with another razor blade throat and aching body.  I’d laugh, if I knew it wouldn’t start a coughing fit.

And I’ve been a bit preoccupied because I’ve allowed myself to dabble in the thought of starting my own business.  Even typing it makes my stomach clench in anxiety.  When I first thought about it, I was excited.  Full of confidence.  Full of verve!  “Before I roll over and DIE and take an admin role I could do with my eyes shut, I want to try something I REALLY want to do” I have been proclaiming to anyone who’ll listen.

And then I sat down and did some serious thinking, which involved visiting the Queensland government’s business.qld.gov.au website.  This site has a plethora of information that I am so thankful for!   I decided to take their business readiness quiz and was shallow-breathing with anxiety by the end of it.  There was so much I hadn’t considered.  So many things I just didn’t know.  I closed the laptop, secure in the knowledge that I would NOT be starting my own business.

As a Stay at Home Mum, I struggle with self-confidence when I think about returning to work.  Despite having a background in admin, recruitment and marketing, I still feel as though I’m unable to return to the workforce in any other capacity other than admin.  And can I say, that I am proud of my admin skills.  Very proud indeed, but I feel I know that area, and I really want to work on my experience in other areas – those being social media.  I want to do it part-time and I want to offer my services to local small businesses.  I would be managing their social media presence and would only want a handful of clients to begin with, so I can manage my time at home as well as at work effectively.

A friend I admire said to me recently, “the only problem you’ve ever had is you”.  “You always worry whether you’re doing things right, even when you’re being Mother of the Year”.  She knows I constantly doubt myself, despite the fact that I’m a smart and good person (that was so hard to type).  So currently I’m struggling with thoughts like “do I REALLY have the nous to start my own business?”, and “maybe you should just get a data entry role somewhere – you’d rock at that”…or is this my inner-voice laced with self-doubt talking?  A year ago I didn't have the courage to start a blog.  But with some fantastic compliments from friends, a little encouragement from others and a huge leap of faith on my part, Dilettante Diva was born.  I'm glad.  I'm so glad I took that leap of faith.

I've decided to proceed tentatively with my idea, and now I find myself thinking strategically.  Where am I?  Where have I been?  And, more importantly where do I want to be?

I know where I want to be.  Now I just need the guts to get there…