Where am I?

Hi!!!  I’m still here…I’ve just been a bit preoccupied lately.  That, and the fact that I’m still sick.  Yes, I know.  It’s getting old.  Just when I thought I was getting better, I decided to go for a walk with a friend.  I huffed up hills I’m normally fine with.  I struggled along stretches of road and finally almost collapsed when I reached our front steps.  The next day I woke up with another razor blade throat and aching body.  I’d laugh, if I knew it wouldn’t start a coughing fit.

And I’ve been a bit preoccupied because I’ve allowed myself to dabble in the thought of starting my own business.  Even typing it makes my stomach clench in anxiety.  When I first thought about it, I was excited.  Full of confidence.  Full of verve!  “Before I roll over and DIE and take an admin role I could do with my eyes shut, I want to try something I REALLY want to do” I have been proclaiming to anyone who’ll listen.

And then I sat down and did some serious thinking, which involved visiting the Queensland government’s business.qld.gov.au website.  This site has a plethora of information that I am so thankful for!   I decided to take their business readiness quiz and was shallow-breathing with anxiety by the end of it.  There was so much I hadn’t considered.  So many things I just didn’t know.  I closed the laptop, secure in the knowledge that I would NOT be starting my own business.

As a Stay at Home Mum, I struggle with self-confidence when I think about returning to work.  Despite having a background in admin, recruitment and marketing, I still feel as though I’m unable to return to the workforce in any other capacity other than admin.  And can I say, that I am proud of my admin skills.  Very proud indeed, but I feel I know that area, and I really want to work on my experience in other areas – those being social media.  I want to do it part-time and I want to offer my services to local small businesses.  I would be managing their social media presence and would only want a handful of clients to begin with, so I can manage my time at home as well as at work effectively.

A friend I admire said to me recently, “the only problem you’ve ever had is you”.  “You always worry whether you’re doing things right, even when you’re being Mother of the Year”.  She knows I constantly doubt myself, despite the fact that I’m a smart and good person (that was so hard to type).  So currently I’m struggling with thoughts like “do I REALLY have the nous to start my own business?”, and “maybe you should just get a data entry role somewhere – you’d rock at that”…or is this my inner-voice laced with self-doubt talking?  A year ago I didn't have the courage to start a blog.  But with some fantastic compliments from friends, a little encouragement from others and a huge leap of faith on my part, Dilettante Diva was born.  I'm glad.  I'm so glad I took that leap of faith.

I've decided to proceed tentatively with my idea, and now I find myself thinking strategically.  Where am I?  Where have I been?  And, more importantly where do I want to be?

I know where I want to be.  Now I just need the guts to get there…

Change of plans!

Oh what a difference a couple of weeks makes!  Two weeks ago I was on a high.  Decision made.  I’m goin’ back to work baby!!  Only to be shattered by the news that we didn’t get a place for DS.  I hung up the phone, put my head in my hands and cried like a baby.  And I don’t mean screamed, kicking my legs while simultaneously trying to scratch whoever is holding me.  I actually mean, just cried.  Shoulders and everything.

But after a couple of days, I began to see the universe had other plans for me.  No rushing back to work for this little black duck (who you calling ‘black).  I am at peace with the fact that I will be at home for a little longer than anticipated.

Maybe we’ll get a place next month, or next week, or even tomorrow.  But whatever happens, I’m happy to roll with it…

The honeymoon is over.

I think it’s time.  The honeymoon is over.  My love affair of being a Stay at Home Mum is starting to wane.

For almost two years I have been in bliss, living the dream I never knew I wanted.  Looking after my two little munchkins and making sure the house runs smoothly.  For almost two years I fed and bathed these two in time for my hubby to arrive home from work.  Dinner would be minutes away from being on the table and I would marvel at how quickly my life had become a 1950s sitcom (sans the canned laughter).  For almost two years I did not think about work.

But recently the seed was planted, and maybe this was the reason, or it was just a natural occurrence, but my patience has been wafer thin.  I have been on. the. edge.

Suddenly, I can’t wait to get back to work and find my identity again.  I know, I know. I shouldn’t define myself by my job, but I can’t help it.  For most of my professional life, I defined myself in this way.  It has been a lovely break, being a Stay at Home Mum.  I have loved it.  But I feel all of us growing out of this stage of our lives.  My eldest is off to school next year and my youngest will be entering the child care system.

We will still have a majority of the week together, as I will only be working part-time.  But for now at least, the honeymoon is over.

Saying it out loud

“I’ve got news!” my friend said, when I arrived for a playdate today.  Instantly, I thought’she’s pregnant’, but I was wrong.  ”I’m going back to work full-time! and it’s paying ${insert an amount you think is good}”!  My reaction to this news is what I have found interesting, and quite exciting, and to be honest, a little bit frightening.

I thought that I would get envious when friends told me they were pregnant with their third baby.  But when that did occur, I felt nothing.  Well, I’ll be honest.  I felt sorry for them, but that’s another blog for another day.  I expected to feel a touch of envy, a twinge of regret (we have decided to stop at two children) and possibly a feeling of melancholy.  But no! It wasn’t to be!  The announcement causing me to feel all of the above, was indeed, the announcement of a full-time job with a decent pay packet accompanying it.  I am so happy for my friend, and I am extremely proud of her.  I long to feel the satisfaction of a job well done, being good at that job, and being paid accordingly.

I’ve been home with my two kids for almost two years.  Recently, we had decided that I would stay home another  year and return to work when DD is six and DS is three.  When we decided this, I heard a faint whisper in my soul saying “what are you doing? you want to go back to work” but I couldn’t vocalise it.  Wouldn’t vocalise it.  Until today.  Until my friend announced her new role.  Then it all came tumbling out.  In an instant, I felt excited, elated, scared, worried.

Excited because it means a new beginning, and elated because I look forward to finding a niche somewhere.  Scared, because I don’t know what I want to do, and worried because I may fail.

But I have to remain positive.  I have to believe that I am capable of achieving whatever it is I seek.  What do I seek?  The answer used to be fuzzy, and unclear.  But as the year progresses, it’s getting clearer and clearer.