Saying it out loud

“I’ve got news!” my friend said, when I arrived for a playdate today.  Instantly, I thought’she’s pregnant’, but I was wrong.  ”I’m going back to work full-time! and it’s paying ${insert an amount you think is good}”!  My reaction to this news is what I have found interesting, and quite exciting, and to be honest, a little bit frightening.

I thought that I would get envious when friends told me they were pregnant with their third baby.  But when that did occur, I felt nothing.  Well, I’ll be honest.  I felt sorry for them, but that’s another blog for another day.  I expected to feel a touch of envy, a twinge of regret (we have decided to stop at two children) and possibly a feeling of melancholy.  But no! It wasn’t to be!  The announcement causing me to feel all of the above, was indeed, the announcement of a full-time job with a decent pay packet accompanying it.  I am so happy for my friend, and I am extremely proud of her.  I long to feel the satisfaction of a job well done, being good at that job, and being paid accordingly.

I’ve been home with my two kids for almost two years.  Recently, we had decided that I would stay home another  year and return to work when DD is six and DS is three.  When we decided this, I heard a faint whisper in my soul saying “what are you doing? you want to go back to work” but I couldn’t vocalise it.  Wouldn’t vocalise it.  Until today.  Until my friend announced her new role.  Then it all came tumbling out.  In an instant, I felt excited, elated, scared, worried.

Excited because it means a new beginning, and elated because I look forward to finding a niche somewhere.  Scared, because I don’t know what I want to do, and worried because I may fail.

But I have to remain positive.  I have to believe that I am capable of achieving whatever it is I seek.  What do I seek?  The answer used to be fuzzy, and unclear.  But as the year progresses, it’s getting clearer and clearer.