Harden up!

So it was my DD’s last day at kindy yesterday and you could have been forgiven for thinking that it was my last day on God’s green earth.  I felt so sad for the end of such a wonderful year, but anybody who knows me, knows I tend to grieve for the end of anything.  Even a book.  I get this sense of ‘loss’ that seems to envelop me and that I can’t tend to shake.

Yesterday was yet another example.  I tried a few times to thank my daughter’s fantastic C&K teachers for doing such a wonderful job throughout the year, and yet I couldn’t get past the initial smile.  The mere thought of saying thank-you and what I wanted to say, was enough to produce a lump in my throat so big that I had to just walk away each time.  Pathetic.  I mean, REALLY?!  What the hell am I going to do when she finishes primary school?  Or high school?  Or uni?!  Let’s all hope that I get over it by then and harden up.

Change of plans!

Oh what a difference a couple of weeks makes!  Two weeks ago I was on a high.  Decision made.  I’m goin’ back to work baby!!  Only to be shattered by the news that we didn’t get a place for DS.  I hung up the phone, put my head in my hands and cried like a baby.  And I don’t mean screamed, kicking my legs while simultaneously trying to scratch whoever is holding me.  I actually mean, just cried.  Shoulders and everything.

But after a couple of days, I began to see the universe had other plans for me.  No rushing back to work for this little black duck (who you calling ‘black).  I am at peace with the fact that I will be at home for a little longer than anticipated.

Maybe we’ll get a place next month, or next week, or even tomorrow.  But whatever happens, I’m happy to roll with it…

The honeymoon is over.

I think it’s time.  The honeymoon is over.  My love affair of being a Stay at Home Mum is starting to wane.

For almost two years I have been in bliss, living the dream I never knew I wanted.  Looking after my two little munchkins and making sure the house runs smoothly.  For almost two years I fed and bathed these two in time for my hubby to arrive home from work.  Dinner would be minutes away from being on the table and I would marvel at how quickly my life had become a 1950s sitcom (sans the canned laughter).  For almost two years I did not think about work.

But recently the seed was planted, and maybe this was the reason, or it was just a natural occurrence, but my patience has been wafer thin.  I have been on. the. edge.

Suddenly, I can’t wait to get back to work and find my identity again.  I know, I know. I shouldn’t define myself by my job, but I can’t help it.  For most of my professional life, I defined myself in this way.  It has been a lovely break, being a Stay at Home Mum.  I have loved it.  But I feel all of us growing out of this stage of our lives.  My eldest is off to school next year and my youngest will be entering the child care system.

We will still have a majority of the week together, as I will only be working part-time.  But for now at least, the honeymoon is over.

Saying it out loud

“I’ve got news!” my friend said, when I arrived for a playdate today.  Instantly, I thought’she’s pregnant’, but I was wrong.  ”I’m going back to work full-time! and it’s paying ${insert an amount you think is good}”!  My reaction to this news is what I have found interesting, and quite exciting, and to be honest, a little bit frightening.

I thought that I would get envious when friends told me they were pregnant with their third baby.  But when that did occur, I felt nothing.  Well, I’ll be honest.  I felt sorry for them, but that’s another blog for another day.  I expected to feel a touch of envy, a twinge of regret (we have decided to stop at two children) and possibly a feeling of melancholy.  But no! It wasn’t to be!  The announcement causing me to feel all of the above, was indeed, the announcement of a full-time job with a decent pay packet accompanying it.  I am so happy for my friend, and I am extremely proud of her.  I long to feel the satisfaction of a job well done, being good at that job, and being paid accordingly.

I’ve been home with my two kids for almost two years.  Recently, we had decided that I would stay home another  year and return to work when DD is six and DS is three.  When we decided this, I heard a faint whisper in my soul saying “what are you doing? you want to go back to work” but I couldn’t vocalise it.  Wouldn’t vocalise it.  Until today.  Until my friend announced her new role.  Then it all came tumbling out.  In an instant, I felt excited, elated, scared, worried.

Excited because it means a new beginning, and elated because I look forward to finding a niche somewhere.  Scared, because I don’t know what I want to do, and worried because I may fail.

But I have to remain positive.  I have to believe that I am capable of achieving whatever it is I seek.  What do I seek?  The answer used to be fuzzy, and unclear.  But as the year progresses, it’s getting clearer and clearer.