Over half-way

I am now on Day 17 of the 28 day scream-free parenting challenge.  So far, so good I guess.  I mean, in the past two days I have officially lost my shit at least four times with the kids, but I’m not counting them as failures.  In fact, lately when I lose my temper, I’m faster to let go of it.   Prior to the challenge, if I lost my temper, I would tend to ruminate about it, think about how other people I know would probably have handled it a lot better, and brand myself as a hopeless Mum.  But not anymore.  Now I just remind myself that I’m only human, and that at the very least I’m aware of it, and I’m trying.

Each morning I wake up to my email from Jackie Hall (Self-Help for Mums) and I take the time to read it and then apply it to my day.  It’s not that hard.  Jackie has taken the big picture, stripped it down to bite-size, digestible pieces and is spoon-feeding it to us slowly each day over this 28-day period.  Some of it seems repetitious (by Jackie’s own admission), but I believe that’s because the basic premise of this whole challenge is that all of the stress and anger culminates from the conflict we have between our belief (of what should be happening) and the reality of what is happening.  Oh sister…ain’t that the truth.

The best tips I have received so far are: 

• we should recognise that stress is caused by the conflict between belief and reality;
• we need to deal with the reality of what’s happening – don’t catastrophise everything;
• to detach your self-worth from their behaviour – they’re not trying to undermine you, they’re not trying to demean you; and
• to look at the bigger picture – Jackie provided us with an ‘expansion exercise’ which truly helped me to realise how small the problems really are (it worked for me yesterday).

I feel a touch of Buddhism running through Jackie’s emails and I like it.  Buddhism for Mothers by Sarah Napthali would have to be one of my favourite books.  I discovered it in the first year of Polynesian Princess’s life and read it a couple of times over the course of that year.

So in between me writing the above paragraph and this paragraph, I have just screamed at the kids and sat back down to finish this off.  Apt.

My heart is racing, my head is pounding and I am trying, desperately to look at the bigger picture, to remain mindful and to understand they’re not trying to piss me off – they’re just being kids.

Breathing in……

And out….

Right.  Where was I?  That's right - with 11 days to go I’m looking forward to receiving more tips and advice from Jackie Hall.  I’m keeping all the emails in a folder and they’ve been great to read back on whenever I get a chance through the day.

So I'm getting there.  Baby steps, people.  Baby steps.

Are you doing the challenge?  Are you finding it helpful?

Go the F*ck to Sleep

Day three of the 28 day scream-free parenting challenge.  It’s 12:50pm and I’ve failed today.  Failed yesterday too.  Both days have been because of Little Warrior’s day-time sleep.  He’s fought both of them.  And anyone out there who’s saying that he must be dropping his sleep can wash their mouths out with soap.

You see, I’m a classic case of belief versus reality.  My belief is that Little Warrior should drift quietly off to sleep at exactly midday, everyday, and sleep for two hours.  Everyday.  Without fail, if you don’t mind little man.  And any deviation (I mean ANY) sends me straight to Shitsville (do not pass Go, do not collect $200).  I understand that this is unrealistic, unfair and ridiculous.  Not to mention the fact that I'm basically setting him up for failure. Because who does the same thing, at the same time, for the same amount of time everyday?  Nobody!  And yet, this is my perception of what should be happening for Little Warrior.  Hey, I never said I liked it, I'm just being honest and telling you how it is.

I tried to do as Jackie Hall recommended.  Just like on Day one, I tried to change the way I look at the situation and simply view it as an opportunity for Little Warrior to learn that he can’t get what he wants.  Yes.  You can have some strawberries, but only when you wake up.  No.  You can’t have them in bed with you.   But today I just didn’t stick with it.  Today I just yelled at him to go to sleep (if you’re wondering, I didn’t swear at him), slammed the door and pretended to ignore the sound of him repeatedly hitting the door with both his hands.  Ace.  Way to go Mum.

It’s going to be a long 28 days.

Trying to re-learn old habits and old ways of thinking is going to be an uphill battle.  Primarily because you don’t even realise you’re doing it.  So actually catching yourself doing it, then consciously adjusting the view before reacting is going to take me a while.  But I’m working on it.

And in the meantime, I can enjoy the peace and quiet.  Now that he’s gone the f*ck to sleep ;)

Are you doing the challenge?  How are you going?

First day scream-free

A week ago I wrote this entry in my blog.  I was down and really feeling low about my parenting.  So I was very excited yesterday because I received my first email from Jackie Hall via the Essential Baby 28 Day Scream-free parenting challenge.  It was like somebody switched on a light for me.  Sometimes you think you know what to do, and when somebody actually gives you advice, you think “well now THAT makes perfect sense!”

Yesterday’s email discussed how stress is a conflict between belief and reality.  Stress occurs when what you believe should be happening, isn’t.  And for me that happens on a regular basis.  I tend to create unrealistic goals.  Someone in my past once called me a high achiever.  And I guess that could be true.  I certainly have high expectations.  Very high.  And when you’re a five year old or a two year old – well, you just aren’t going to cut the mustard.

The email went on to discuss how we could eliminate the stress by changing how we view challenging situations.  By doing this we would remove the gaping hole between belief and reality.

An example was:

Parent A may perceive a tantrum from their toddler as learning behaviour and their child is simply learning how to behave in the world and realise that they can't get what they want.

Parent B may be perceiving how embarrassing it is, that they shouldn't be behaving that way, how much they've had enough of this behaviour, how much this behaviour is effecting their life and their bond and on and on in that direction.

Which parent do you think is feeling more stress?

I may as well be walking around with a t-shirt emblazoned with PARENT B on it.  That is me.  To a T.  Sorry, the pun was intended.  So I read my email yesterday – took it on board, ruminated on it and then put it into practise.

Little Warrior was in daycare yesterday but that didn’t stop him from throwing two gargantuan tantrums in the space of two hours once he got home (seriously – he nearly ripped the handle off our fridge).  I did what the email suggested.  I looked at his tantrum as a learning behaviour and thought ‘he’s simply learning that he can’t get what he wants.’  And do you know what?  I didn’t get cranky!  I didn’t get annoyed!  I wasn’t thinking “F*ck my life”, I wasn’t desperately wondering what to do next, nothing!  Something as simple as merely changing the way I look at the situation was miraculous.  I couldn’t believe it.  And I have to say, I was a little proud of myself.

So big ups to me.  Big ups to Jackie Hall and big ups to Essential Baby.

Teamwork!

xx