Masks for all occasions...

I don’t have any of my high school yearbooks anymore so it was with great delight that I received a photocopied page from our year nine yearbook.  My friend had photocopied the page that had three  poems I had written that year.  I know, I know.  Published by 14 – it was a proud moment ;)

I wanted to share one of them that seems to still ring true today, funnily enough.  And apologies for the writing - I was only 14!  So without further ado, I give you:

“Mask”

Everyday it’s different

Everyday it changes

Everyday the way I think

and the way I behave ranges

I’ve got to make everyone like me

I’ve got to do this right

I’ve got to act as if I’m flying high

Flying high as a kite

No matter what the price

I’ve got to make everyone believe

That I’m likeable and nice

Even though the real me

Is buried deep inside

My real emotions and feelings

Are things I have to hide

Only my really good friends

Know me inside and out

They know whenever I’m feeling down

They know without a doubt

What makes them think you aren’t what you are

So many people ask

The thing that throws them all off track

Is the illusion of the mask.

Now, while I acknowledge that this isn't fantastic writing, I'm more interested in the fact that how I felt back then can still apply today.  Until a couple of years ago, I still subscribed to this ridiculous notion that everyone had to like me.  Why, I couldn't tell you.  But what I can tell you is that I've almost completely shrugged that off and I feel a bazillion times better.  

We all wear masks at one time or another.  But when do you do it?  Do you put yours on before you arrive at Christmas lunch?  Or before you catch up with friends you haven't seen in a while?  I can tell you that in a previous life, I would wear mine to any social gathering with my family.  Also, I used to work in recruitment...so, enough said really.  But these days I don't need to.  These days I'm more comfortable with the person staring back at me in the mirror.

Being more comfortable in your skin, and liking (yes, even loving) yourself is only something I have come to experience lately.  And it's liberating.  It's extremely liberating to hang these old masks up and face the world, daring it to take me as I am.

Do you slip on a mask for any particular occasion?

Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

How do YOU break up with a friend?

So riddle me this peeps: what do you do when a friendship dies?  What if it's only died on your side?   Have you ever been able to sit down with the person and amicably end it?  Or are you like me.  Do you just stop responding to emails and very slowly cut them out of your life.  All the while praying to Buddha that they get the picture and the uncomfortable conversation never has to take place...

Not unlike parenting, I feel out of my depth here.  Friendships don’t come with a handbook and I have no idea how to handle situations such as these.  I would prefer to address the elephant in the room and say “hey, this just isn’t working out, and it hasn’t been for the past 30 years” or “your negativity is sucking the life out of me and I think it’s over”.  Or “I find your sense of humour offensive and it’s not fun listening to you poke fun at me, my husband or my kids”.  Negative ghostrider, the pattern is full.

The people-pleaser side of me would just say to retain the friendship and keep the peace.  And who knows?  Maybe one day they’ll ditch me!  But the people-pleaser side of me is what got me into this situation in the first place.

When I was younger (read: up until last year), I couldn’t say no to people.  I would accept a playdate or catch-up from {pretty much} anyone who asked.  I understand sometimes it takes guts for people to ask, and I had never felt comfortable saying no to someone’s face.  But something happened last year.  I’d had a gutful.  I’d had a gutful of toxic relationships, specifically friendships.   And I’d had a gutful of watching myself making the mistake over and over.   It wasn’t easy, but I did it.  There was a lot of soul-searching, a lot of tears and confusion, but I did it.  And I feel lighter, freer and definitely happier for it.  My first thought was “why the fuck didn’t I do this sooner?!”.

Nowadays I feel a lot more comfortable in my skin.  I have a definite “take it or leave it” attitude and I wish (I wish, I wish) that I had been like this back when I was in year eight.  If I had had this confidence back then, I think I would have lessened a lot of anxiety, I would have had more quality connections and I probably would have valued myself more.  The lesson I want to pass on to my little ones is that you don’t have to please everyone.  If someone’s sapping your mojo, get away from them.  And stay away.  And don’t feel bad about it.  It’s not your job to ensure people’s happiness.

It’s theirs.

Image: Kittikun Atsawintarangkul / FreeDigitalPhotos.net