How do YOU break up with a friend?

So riddle me this peeps: what do you do when a friendship dies?  What if it's only died on your side?   Have you ever been able to sit down with the person and amicably end it?  Or are you like me.  Do you just stop responding to emails and very slowly cut them out of your life.  All the while praying to Buddha that they get the picture and the uncomfortable conversation never has to take place...

Not unlike parenting, I feel out of my depth here.  Friendships don’t come with a handbook and I have no idea how to handle situations such as these.  I would prefer to address the elephant in the room and say “hey, this just isn’t working out, and it hasn’t been for the past 30 years” or “your negativity is sucking the life out of me and I think it’s over”.  Or “I find your sense of humour offensive and it’s not fun listening to you poke fun at me, my husband or my kids”.  Negative ghostrider, the pattern is full.

The people-pleaser side of me would just say to retain the friendship and keep the peace.  And who knows?  Maybe one day they’ll ditch me!  But the people-pleaser side of me is what got me into this situation in the first place.

When I was younger (read: up until last year), I couldn’t say no to people.  I would accept a playdate or catch-up from {pretty much} anyone who asked.  I understand sometimes it takes guts for people to ask, and I had never felt comfortable saying no to someone’s face.  But something happened last year.  I’d had a gutful.  I’d had a gutful of toxic relationships, specifically friendships.   And I’d had a gutful of watching myself making the mistake over and over.   It wasn’t easy, but I did it.  There was a lot of soul-searching, a lot of tears and confusion, but I did it.  And I feel lighter, freer and definitely happier for it.  My first thought was “why the fuck didn’t I do this sooner?!”.

Nowadays I feel a lot more comfortable in my skin.  I have a definite “take it or leave it” attitude and I wish (I wish, I wish) that I had been like this back when I was in year eight.  If I had had this confidence back then, I think I would have lessened a lot of anxiety, I would have had more quality connections and I probably would have valued myself more.  The lesson I want to pass on to my little ones is that you don’t have to please everyone.  If someone’s sapping your mojo, get away from them.  And stay away.  And don’t feel bad about it.  It’s not your job to ensure people’s happiness.

It’s theirs.

Image: Kittikun Atsawintarangkul / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

What's going to be your old-age sport?

My friends and I have had many conversations over the years about which sport we’ll have when we’re retired.  Okay, we never used the word “retired”, I think we actually just said “old”.  It was a fun thing to do when we ran out of things to talk about.  What will we do with our time when we’re living in a retirement village?  My sport of choice will be golf (already have my set - used them three times and most importantly, they’re powder blue).  One of my friends has chosen bowls.  Never, not once did we ever mention gliding.

This morning in the news was an article about an 80-year-old woman who is struggling for her life after crashing her glider near Banalla in Victoria (see details here).  The first thought I had after reading this article was “what an amazing woman!”.   My second thought was ‘I hope she’s okay’ and the third: ‘at least she was doing something she enjoyed’.  But seriously - gliding at 80!  To me that is inspirational.  I hope I’m still THAT active in 40 years’ time. 

I mean, I dive.  I have a diving ticket and The Architect and I have gone away diving together and had a ball (most memorable moment: night diving with sharks).  But that’s now.  Will we still be diving together well into our twilight years?  We also ride, bushwalk and I occasionally run.  He rides a motorbike, plays golf and loves going for walks.   This morning’s article has reassured me.  It tells me that life doesn’t end just because you’re getting older.

Our next door neighbour is very active around his house and constantly working, painting, cleaning.  Just the other day he jumped up on his deck balustrades to “HAAAA!” at the bush turkeys using his roof as a race-track.  He would be in his 70’s.  God, I think if I did that NOW, my back would be out for weeks.  My back is still twinging from Christmas Day when I got out of my chair FFS.

But there are no complaints from me.  An active life is what I want now, and if I can extend that for as long as possible, that will make me one happy chicky.

1 Jan 2012

Day one of the New Year and The Architect and I are lost.  Mooching around the house, occasionally saying “what do you want to do today?” before drifting into another room and forgetting the question.  If I were about ten years younger, this would have frustrated the hell out of me.  Directionless, even for one day, was enough to drive me insane.  So many wasted minutes.  They could have been used for shopping!  Or eating!  Or shopping!  Wait....   But this is not so anymore.

I fill almost every day up with activity, it’s a relief to have one day sans plans.  The house is quiet with the Little Warrior out for the count.  Polynesian Princess is eating her way through a bag of lollies at Mum's place (I'm guessing).  The street is quiet with our young neighbours either away or sleeping the sleep of the dead.   I don’t care either way.  Hand on my heart.

So this is my start to the year.  Quiet and innocuous.  Were you smart enough to organise something?

Think I'll have a cuppa...

Fare thee well 2011...

Tomorrow is New Years Eve and we will then move into 2012.  Personally, I can’t wait.  I’m over this year.  I feel like a lame horse limping to the finish line, but then again, I feel like that at the end of every year.  Not that that means that things are going to miraculously change.  I’m still going to wake up bone weary tired.  I’m still going to get annoyed each time my two kids hit/fight/scratch/bite, whatever – insert your own annoying verb here.   I’m still going to be getting their dinner ready at 5:00pm and I’ll still be doing the ironing every second day (at least).   I will still be addicted to Facebook and Twitter and I will still keep a gratitude journal of some description.

A lot happened this year.  Floods hit South East Queensland and whilst we weren’t affected directly, my heart hurt for everyone who was.  There were people who lost their loved ones and this helped me keep things in perspective and be thankful everyday for all that I still have.

Earthquakes rocked my birth city of Christchurch and currently 40,000 people have left the city.  Since the most recent earthquakes in Christchurch, I would imagine this number has increased significantly.  Remembering how beautiful Christchurch is, I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be there now.  Potentially an entire city will be relocated and my heart is heavy for the people of Christchurch.

On a personal note my Polynesian Princess went to kindergarten this year and I was home for five days a fortnight with my Little Warrior.  One year has flown by again and this marks year two of being at home with the little brown-eyed wonders.  The days of logging into a computer at work, sushi for lunch, pointless meetings, impossible KPI’s  and cold Melbourne Cup lunches seem to belong in a parallel universe.  I sometimes stumble on my old corporate-wear when I’m putting away or getting out winter/summer clothing, which is kept in storage.  Maybe 2012 will be the year I get them out, put them in dry-cleaning and hop back into the corporate saddle.  Or maybe it won’t.

I have but one New Years Resolution: to blog once a week.  There.  That’s it.  I’m excited about this blogging universe and it allows me to express myself in the way I’ve always felt comfortable.  I remember being young (nine? ten?) and writing lots of poems and short stories.  I continued writing poetry throughout primary and high school and sadly I didn’t keep any of my yearbooks because one of my poems featured in the back of one.  After high school I didn’t write anymore…..until this blog.  And since beginning this blog, I've felt invigorated, excited, happy.  So onward and upward, I say :)

Fare thee well 2011 and Happy New Year to everyone!

xx

I love this season....

What season is that you may ask?  Why, mango season of course!  Here in Australia, it's summer and summer means summer fruits.  Summer fruits means gorgeous, fresh produce available everywhere and in abundance.  Nectarines, plums, watermelon, lychees, apricots and mangoes.  Lots and lots of mangoes.

My kids love them and we eat about two a day.  Little Warrior likes munching on the seed and walks around for ages clutching this juicy morsel.  Occasionally I'll find it, abandoned and bereft of any fruit, on his couch, on the deck or in his bedroom.  As long as it's as far away as possible from the nearest bin, that'll do him.

Me?  My favourite way to eat mango would have to be with prawns.  In a salad.  Washed down with a Marlborough Sauv Blanc on a warm day.  Or on a pavlova.  Like 'dis:

Mangoes means Christmas to me.  And Christmas is a special time of year.  Getting together with people you love (and perhaps some you kinda don't) and eating, drinking and being very, very Merry.


So a toast.  A toast to mangoes, merriness and Christmas.


Cheers!!

Merry Christmas to all

It's Christmas Eve and here I sit in my parents' backyard. The backyard I've known for the past 31 years. I'm watching my Polynesian Princess race up and down the lawn. Running along a patch of grass that used to be our pool. The pool I used to swim in constantly until I hit my teens. Then, not so much.

I'm nostalgic today. But that's normal right? Normal to be nostalgic at the end of a year.

This year has seen me yo-yo'ing between returning to work and not returning to work. We visited Hamilton Island in the beginning of the year and had a great holiday. I don't think we'll be doing that again soon. Tightening our belts, one income and all that. But the biggest thing this year has brought for me is peace and less attachment.

Anyone familiar with Buddhist teachings will be aware of the Four Noble Truths:

1. Life means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
4. The path to the cessation of suffering.

I have lived most of my life attached to physical things. It hasn't made me feel good. Well, maybe for a little bit after I had bought the latest handbag I would get a little rush, but it never lasted long. Inevitably I would already be mentally picking out the next thing I "needed". And so the cycle would continue. But the good thing about not having a lot of money is you have no choice BUT to let go of all that longing. It's the only way to be happy.

I'm determined to be thankful for all the things I have. I still have both my parents. I can still visit them in the house I grew up in-I love that. I have a loving relationship with my husband, two gorgeous children and a roof over our heads. What more could you need?

Merry Christmas all and Namaste

xx

Another compliment

“You should take all of your stuff off Facebook and start a blog”.  There.  That’s at least the second time somebody has made a comment about my writing.  I know, I know.  It’s not a glowing recommendation about my writing, hardly a reason to start writing a novel, but it’s something.

Maybe I should.

Maybe that’s how I can use my writing style/skills for the next however-long-it-takes-me-to-get-back-to-work.

Hmmmmm……